I’m Not Gonna Cook it, But I’ll Order It From Zanzibar

Talk about semi-obscure titles.

MUN’s bounty has rained upon us in the form of an angry green man with, I believe, self esteem issues. World War Hulk was the post Civil War cigarette Marvel gave us last fall. It mainly involved the Hulk returning to earth to exact revenge. It wasn’t… well the writing was on the level of a high schooler’s creative writing final, and the final emotionally devastating betrayal was telegraphed and unimpressive. WWH was about one thing: Kicking people’s asses. Asses were kicked, my friend. Asses were indeed kicked.

In regards to the asses in question, and the main kicking component was the Gamma Rager, with his new pack of drinking buddies the Warbound. They were survivors of the ship exploding… you know what? Let’s not pretend there was a story to WWH. It was mindless molly whopping to restore the balance after the 6 month political discussion that was Civil War. We’ll leave it at he had friends, they were named the Warbound. He was a King, and they were his loyal followers and brothers in blood. They lived and died for each other. As long as ‘each other’ is latin for Bruce Banner.

Design has gone a way we haven’t seen since MMK’s X-Statix affiliation: A one man wrecking Crew. Two hulks have been previewed, along with Mrs. Hulk(May she rest in peace). We have a 4 drop Hulk, a 5 drop hulk that eats the 4 drop, and a 6 drop wife with a honey do list that she’s very passionate about. I believe my wife is emotionally healthy enough to allow my small failures without ending her life as a motivator. Ceiala or however you spell it is not so emotionally stable. She’d rather be dead than have the trash not taken out.

The Hulks in question are interesting. 4 drop is a flame trap that 5 drop eats to gain the strength to out of combat stun one of their guys. Straightforward.

Ordinarily, I’d give a few tek ideas for the previewed cards, and basically pee myself over what the good Mr. Seck and his posse have unleashed on my Vs collection. All I can do is sigh and hope that when I wake up tomorrow afternoon, I have something to work with. I’m thanking the fortunes I didn’t get these because there’s not much good I can say about this from my point of view. They’re solid cards, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, RTFC is king with Warbound so far. Read the card. That’s what it does. It doesn’t synergize, it doesn’t do anything. The best I can say is Hulk, Grumpy Goliath+Mrs. Hulk makes for the hulk staying on curve. Oh stop, my beating heart.

The problem I see with the initial offering of Warbound is that 1) They’re beginner card. Warbound seems designed for little Billy Smith whose mom just let him buy a few packs of MUN. They do what they say they do. They make a prepackaged deck that can be played to nasty effect as is. Basically: Design made something so horrendously WYSIWYG I have no comment.

The other problem is the Loner issue. Guess how you kill a loner deck? Coup D’Tat, Fatal Weakness, Deadpool, Vigilante, Fastball Special, Finishing Move… some brands of cotton depending on allergies… I mean, they’d better have some godlike protection effects, or the Warbound 3 drop better have the ability ‘Activate>Make me a sandwich’ or some high calibur ability in regards to my own procurement of sustainence without any work on my own behalf.

The final nail in the coffin of initial preview euphoria is the fact that it’s a lategame deck with little to no stall power. Sure, Hulk 5 drop has solid stats. a 10/10 on 5 is AWESOME… until you look at Pathetic Attempt stopping his ability, losing your 4 drop to use his PA-able ability in the first place, and the fact that Ben Grimm can molly whomp him. This guy could get into a FIST FIGHT with a Dr. Strange that used his magic to its limits to make himself as strong as possible. He’s so strong he can punch through magic… but some space radiated, rock looking guy whose catch phrase is nowhere near as fun can mop the floor with this Hulk. I’m disappointed. It’s too little, too late as far as hulk strategy is looking at first glance.

The only really lasting thing I can walk away with from the first forray into the Warbound is that it’s interesting that a weapons technology is presented as weaker than human exploration and ingenuity. The thing’s freak accident on peaceful mission of knowledge makes him stronger than a scientist whose work would end the life of millions. An interesting social commentary. Unfortunately the Hulk isn’t about social commentary. It’s about breaking stuff. Sadly for Hulk Fans the one thing immune to raw  human anguish given form is Modern Age. The one thing Hulk isn’t going to break is the current environment. At least, not without the help of his friends.